We're Here

Well, I'm here, we're here. Whatever that may mean. I find myself being extremely negative these past couple of days, don't know if that's due to the death process and loss of everything in Idaho or not. Maybe just my tendency in general. I can be a little dramatic. Ok A LOT dramatic at times. I feel as though I have lost who I am. No more job, no more house, no more friends. Who am I really? In whom or what does my security lie? Of course, I know the answer is God, but here is where the rubber really meets the road. Does my contentment depend on the circumstances surrounding me, or do I find my joy in the knowledge that I am free? Truly free.

We're Here part two

Well, we're here. Billings, Montana. Some time to myself while the boys are napping. I really don't know what to write, I've been told it would help while adjusting to life over here to write in a journal and since I"ve been meaning to write again why not start now? Got to make sure to have some alone time being home with the kids full time. Jamison is sick with a cold and I'm hoping it's not turning into an ear infection as we don't have any insurance at the moment.
Things spiritually have been good lately, it takes faith to move away from home, leaving Real LIfe was difficult as was leaving Kim & Sarah. I know God will provide more friends for me here. Just settling in I suppose. God really spoke to me during the sermon yesterday, about gossiping abou the "Bride of Christ". It's the same to Jesus when I judge by whispering things about others. It's like saying "Hey, looky here, someone's got a problem!" The smae as if someone had an embarrasing piece of spinach between their teeth and instead of being kind to tell them about it discreetly, I say "Hey EVERYONE!! Look at that!" Gossiping is not loving people, and loving people is what IT is ALL about. I don't want gossip to be part of my life anymore, unfortunately it's been such a big part of my life (not so much with friends but usually what keeps the conversation going between Jim & I). There's no way this thing I can overcome this thing, thank God it has already been overcome by Jesus Christ. I am a new creature and this is not part of the alive part of me. All I have to do is ask and God will make alive in Christ that part of me which is already dead in sin. In fact, He already has done it.
I don't want to be a problem identifier in other peoples lives, I want to be part of the solution, which has been made possible through Christ Jesus. In Him I have been given the ministry of reconciliation. By speaking the truth in love, instead of just being a problem identifier.

Fear

I am so afraid of nothing
insecure about who I am
The slightest change in plans
sends my gut into knots
My heart aches as I try
to keep all the world together
in my little glass globe
Where can I find rest?
Whom can I trust?
If the only father I knew
fell and loved himself more than I
How can I again trust my Father?
I want to let go, and in my mind
I know "He careth for me", yet
reconciling my heart and mind
is not within my grasp.
Though I yearn, I once again
have not the power within me
to do that which I wish most to do.
It is Your world Father, Your time,
Your land, Your provision, Your
heart, Your servant, make me into
that which you wish me to be.
Let Your name be glorified amoung
the people, let Your good works be
praised. Make me a vessel.
Remind me that You have
carefully created me as just that
let me remain only a vessel.
Standing still
in the place it was given
waiting to be used at the
the bidding of it's Master.

Mercy

Oh God, you are so good to me
Every day, I breathe another breath of your mercy.
Your kindness toward me is immeasurable
Your grace overtakes my sin
In you I am alive and complete.
Your grace abounds to me.

Grace is terrifying...
To know that I have absolutely nothing to do with my own salvation evokes a panic in me I find both ecstatically hopeful and dangerously peril at the same time. To escape this feeling of terror my inate desire is to immediately return to the boundaries and knowable do's and don'ts of the law. Grace knows no boundaries, it is complete freedom. The limits of grace are unknowable and I find that irresistably terrifying. Having barely glimpsed a moment grace, I barely understand and revel in it before I once again find myself back under the yoke of morality.
So drawn to the law am I, that I even begin to try to subject my understanding of grace itself to the law by thinking that I "should" understand it better. Beyond that thought, pride drives me to make an the understanding of grace into a "work" on my part. "Oh wretched man that I am, who will save me from this body of death? Thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord!."

Is it so much to want to rest in You?
Where am I, where am I going, is this the path You've taken me on?
To trust without tangible reason?
To leave everything behind?
All my hopes, all my dreams,
all of me.
To become one with You. The Lover of my soul.
To steal away with You for moments existing
just to stare into Your eyes
to look at Your face and know that I am loved?
I am unlovely, stained and broken,
how is it that You consider me with such favor.
You who lift my downcast eyes to look into Yours?
I am undone
Your grace has captured me.
I want nothing of me to remain
except that which is You
Make it so my Lord.

Which way is up, which way is down
Lost somewhere in the middle
of this growing cycle
The Son draws me up, to see
an opaque image of Him
through the morning haze
I exist in the mist of His grace
He enlightens every particle
of light that is
dispersed through the air
Gasping for breath I grasp and
find it cannot be contained
It is enough that I am
created and that drops of
dew formed by His condensation
fall on me

Caleb 2005-04-29

2005-04-29 Caleb tree
Originally uploaded by daunie.

I had to get one of Caleb on here too!

Jamie 2005-04-29

2005-04-29 Jamie tree2
Originally uploaded by daunie.

Here's a cute picture I took of Jamison at Jim's recent paper vehicle competetion.

Have you ever wanted to give away selfless love, wanted desperately so much so that you were consumed with trying to give it away. I was. Though I tried to love my husband and those I around me, it would never come. Though I begged it of myself, groveled at the feet of God and ached for some life to come out of myself, it simply would never materialize. Although at times I would acheive bits and pieces of selflessness by sheer will and discipline, it was short-lived and soon I would be again filled with bitterness and anger, with lack of control over who it spilled upon. Anger and bitterness filled me of which I did not know the source. Unable to dissect what was wrong, and drastically inadequate to "fix" it, I was without hope, wandering, depressed and torturing myself and my family. I would stare at my "inner" reflection for hours, which amounted to days, which filled months and years. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do what I am supposed to do? Why can't I do what I want to do? I looked and looked and looked within myself but I could never find what I was looking for. Finding no hope within myself I nearly began to believe there was no hope, that there was no answer, that this was it. Life hurts Daun, deal with it. Although, the more I began to dwell on that method of thinking the more desperate and suicidal I became. If there is no hope...I thought, there is no reason for life. Without hope, people die. No, this cannot be it either, and I once again returned to the desperate searching of life somewhere within myself. Though I had been well taught and disciplined as a child and knew what was "the right thing" to do, even though I was as an adult able to acheive great amounts of success through self-control in other areas of my life. In this, I was completely and utterly broken, unable to conjure even a spark of the ability to selflessly love anyone. Finally desperate after 10 years of marriage and looking for love in all the wrong places, after 15 years of introspective combing through all I knew of myself, I was still unable find what I was looking for. Then finally in the midst of my despair when I had reached the end of myself, when I understood that I was a dead man, Love found me.

My Father who is in heaven, holy is Your Name.
Your kingdom come in my life, in my home, in my country, in my world.
May Your will be done in these areas exactly as it is in heaven.
Give me today only what I need for today.
Forgive me my wrongs equal to how I have forgiven those who have wronged me.
Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.
Because it is Your kingdom, Your glory, and Your power that stand forever and ever.
Amen

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel land and sea to win one proselyte, and when he is won, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves." This is the "witnessing" experience I have had. This is why I have had so much trouble sharing my faith. I wondered, and pondered "how can I impose such death on another human being". I had no life, I was searching for life within myself, and was bitterly disapointed to find that it was not there. I searched and combed the fine details of my thoughts, actions, desires to find some spark of life, but I found none. No matter how I tried, cried, wished and prayed with all sincerity that I would live, it was not found in me. Then I was told to go and share with the world, make disciples of all men. And I thought, what in hell would make anyone want what I have? I have nothing. I strive day after day to "do what is right" and yet I can never attain it. I was and still am in myself a blubbering, fearful, controlling mess. But now, I see. Grace is what I have. Through Christ I have life, and laying aside my "old man" the me that is dead, the me that is hid in Him is revealed. Behold all things have been made new. This is who I am, I am a new creation. NOW that is something to share, and it has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with me. It is Christ alone. There is no other gospel, He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, no man comes to the Father any other way.

Perfection at all costs was my mantra. Perfection of myself, perfection of others, perfection of the method of perfecting myself. You notice the main subject here is "myself". When my mind is stayed upon the truth (Galations 2:19-20). There's so much less traffic in my head (which = peace) - only one repeating thought. "I am dead, Christ lives in me - I am dead, Christ lives in me - I am dead, Christ lives in me." There is then no Daun left, and what does come by effort in raising myself is just that, me trying to prop myself up again. Because I am dead and Christ lives in me, this means my desires, my wants, my selfish driving force is also dead. I am no longer my own, the desires, wants and power of Christ live in me. I am not a slave to myself anymore, I have been freed and raised with Christ and His will is completed in and through me.
What a miracle, the freedom that was bought with the precious blood of the willing Lamb of God.
"I have come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly." For Jesus to have come so that "we may have life" it is understood that we must have been dead. He did not say I have come to add more life to your life, He said "I have come so you may live." Outside of Jesus Christ, there is no life. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.

Galations 2:19-20
I have been crucified with Christ; and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

I have spent so much time staring at my reflection, wishing for perfection, somehow thinking that I would attain it. This extended even more outside of myself by expecting that others should strive to attain perfection to the law as well. My bent was that if I beat myself mentally, hoping, confessing, repenting enough I would be able to raise some "life" out of myself. Wishing and hoping and proping myself up thinking that I would "live" again. That somehow somewhere in the death of myself was also in myself some tiny spark of life, that if cultivated would someday with enough discipline ingite into the fire God has set as the law. This has been a futile, depressing, agonizing and hopeless endeavor. Why is it so difficult to understand and grasp grace? To understand that I am dead. I no longer live. "For to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find". Finally; freedom! Grace though Christ Jesus is the only thing that can turn myself away from my reflection. I can let go of Daun, Daun, Daun as it is not in my hoping, fighting and wishing and self discipline that I will turn into a reflection of Jesus. The only answer for me IS Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, He is the only life I have. It is He in me that lives, not I that live.
This solves the problem I've been having with sharing my faith with others. How can someone who is dead share anything with anyone. I can't offer something I don't have. I can't offer life to someone if I don't even grasp it myself. Even then it's not about me "sharing my faith". It's that Christ is living in me, He is my life. If He is my life, how can I but share who I am?

Once we truly know that life is difficult-
once we truly understand and accept it-
then life is no longer difficult.
Because once it is accepted, the fact that
life is difficult no longer matters.
M. Scott Peck

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The Lord hates dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight. Proverbs 11:1

I have had dishonest scales. I put more weight on my side of this marriage than I do on Jim's side. I feel I do more, I am more, I deserve more, I need more. The weight is always on my side the way I have seen it until now.
Somebody owes me.
Jim owes me, and he better pay up.
This is a lie. I confess it before my God.

When pride comes, disgrace follows, but with humilty comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2
Disgrace = no grace

God, please forgive me placing my weights inaccurately. Balance me.
Balance us, so that I can truth.

Forgive my pride, cleanse me from my tendancy to sin and replace my dishonesty and pride with humility and grace toward Jim.

Forgivness is key to overcoming this anger and complusion to act of hatred toward Jim and others around me.
I have harbored bitterness and anger and hatred for so long. No more.
I will be a vessel to reflect the light of Christ. Al this cleaning out hurts so badly. But I will pick up my cross and follow Him.

Psalm 10:3 The Lord does not let the righteous go hungry.

My life has been ruled by emotion. I have not been the master of my emotions, my emotions have mastered me. They have lied to me adn I continually believed them. The drama must stop.
This is affecting my children. Jamison has been through trauma in his life already and so heightened emotion triggers his defense. I hae noticed the we run in patterns together. This must stop.
How I feel is the not the determination of how I act.
I must overcome my tendancy to invite depression, agression, moodiness and irritation.
God has already made a way, and now He will complete the work in my life.
I have created an "walking on eggshells" situation with my husband and children. Everyone is always tiptoeing around trying not to "upset" me. This is wrong, so wrong. It is a learned behavior, but it is wrong.

Jeremiah 31:29 "In those days, it will never again be said: The fathers have eaten sour grapes,and the children's teeth are set on edge. 30 Rather, each will die for his own wrongdoing. Anyone who eats sour grapes-his own teeth will be set on edge.

Jeremiah 10:23 I know, Lord,that a man's way of life is not his own;no one who walks determines his own steps.