This song is such the epitome of me.

Which part is mine?

She was only a dairyman's daughter. She was only a child of thirteen;
But the stars on the radio brightened her nights with a dream.
So she called up her best girlfriend Jenny cause she thought they would make quite a pair.
She said, "Let's you and me, try to sing harmony at the amateur night at the fair."
But she only had the range of an alto, so the part she knew best went to her friend.
And when Jenny's soprano drowned out the piano, they'd have to start over again.
And the dairyman's daughter would then say,
"Which part is mine? And Jen, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time; I'm never quite sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before.
So please help me learn which part is mine, And which part is yours."

She grew up and got married to Bobby, kept him working on his MBA.
They had two little redheaded children, and one on the way.
Everybody said she could work wonders, and she wondered what everyone meant.
She played so many roles, it was taking its toll and she feared that her time was misspent.
So she opened her heart to her husband. They discussed everything on her list.
From the kids, to the job, To her feelings for her Bob.
But what it really boiled down to was this: She said:
"Which part is mine? And Bob, which part is yours?
Let's review it one more time; I guess I’m not sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before
If we just define which part is mine, and which part is yours."

Every sleepless night knows many mothers who are wond'ring if they've done alright.
And the dairyman's daughter knew more than a few of those nights.
Had she given her son too much freedom? Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough to prepare them for life in this world?
So she opened her heart to the heavens and she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed that her kids would be saved had a very familiar refrain.
Which part is mine? And God, which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time, I'm never quite sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before.
But it gets so confusing some times. Should I do more, or trust the divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine, and which part is yours.

Did you hear me? I can feel you near me.
It is the answer that I've been longing for;
Just to know you hear me, and to feel you near me.
It's all the answer that I've been longing for.
Did you hear me? I can feel you near me.
It is the answerthat I've been longing for;
Just to know you hear me, after I've done my best,
And to feel you near me. I know you'll do the rest.
It is the answer that I've been longing for!

Michael McLean

This is a letter to my sister who passed away from a cocaine overdose:

Dear Serene,

It's been three years as of tonight that you left. Words cannot express the pain I feel in my heart on some days at some moments. I miss you. So many things I never said, too many things I did.
Our family is broken. I can barely endure the sight of some of use living our lives the way we do, in spite of your death. I wish I could bring you back but I think our family wouldn't change. Your death didn't, and your resurrection wouldn't.
How I wish I could have made it different, made it better. I feel I failed you as an older sister in so many ways I couldn't protect you and he got you anyway. You knew the truth, but it's a long way from your head to your heart, isn't it? I know I couldn't have changed anything but the feelings of responsibility still fall to rest on my shoulders in my mind.
I didn't see your body but I imagine you slumped over. It's sad, so incredibly, utterly agonizing. We failed you, the truth was spoken in our home, but the actions were so far from it. The truth only making brief interjections into daily reality. We learned a lot about what we were supposed to do, not much about why we are driven to do it. A lot about the consequences of sin, but little about the grace and power of God that has already overcome it. Steeped in religion twisted with truth.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you. I can barely see to help myself, and even then it is only through what God has opened my eyes to. I crave to show truth to the rest of us, but I'm afraid we've spent so much of our lives drowing in deception there is little our eyes can see of real truth. Forgive us all. Your life was precious and I pray someday your death will be as well though in different ways.
We are so hopeless are we not? So far from God, so incredibly selfish and blind. He weeps daily for others like you, just as He wept for you. Even so, He weeps for those of us still here, for we are drowing in deception. We have all fallen short of God's glory, and like sheep have all gone astray. Each to his own way. God help us.
I have so much anger about your death. It seems so useless and completely worthless. Your life was taken, and for what? Nobody sees, nobody changes, we are all so selfish. We medicate, we forget, we purposely turn away.
I am afraid Satan has won this round but praise to God he hasn't won the game. God has given wisdom to those who seek, He does comfort those we are weary. We shall overcome. Death will be swallowed in life.
I miss you Renes!

Love Always,
Your big sis :-)
Daun

The sheep you have been called to tend are crying out
Incline your ear to their bleating

They look for water where there is none
and sleep in places of peril.

They are lost without direction for the
way laid before them is not clear.

The shepherd has lost his sight and stumbles
upond stones placed in his way.

Listen to the Master all you who hear His voice
let not your heart grow weary.

The sheep belong to the Master and He is their guidance.

Though they may scatter and the shepherd falter,
all belong to the Lord.

He knows each and calls them by name
to the place He has set for them.

Do not fear and let your heart not faint
for the Master has heard the crying of his lambs.

It is only to the extent that I able to grasp and recieve grace that I will be able to extend it to others around me:
Oh, that my heart would open and and allow You to work in me so that You can work through me. You have brought me so far already. Show me, fill me, and let me understand Your love for me, that I may glorify Your name amoung the people.
Teach me Your ways Oh God.

As I look back on my life, I seem to be so angry all the time. If I'm not angry right at that moment, than I'm irritated or distant. I roll my eyes constantly or shake my head in disapproval everytime I am in the slightest disagreement with someone or something.
I want to stop. I want to stop being so angry and judgemental and unhappy with life.

I came accross the following Psalm and immediately decided it would be put to use in my life as a blessing from my husband and I for our two beautiful sons Jamison and Caleb:

Psalm 20
May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. Selah
May he five you the desire of your heart and may all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God, may the Lord grant all your requests.
Now I know that the Lord saves his annointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall but we will rise up and stand firm.

My husband and I will have been married for 9 years this June, and think I'm finally coming to the realization that we’ve passed into another phase of love in our relationship. I decided that the time has come that I begin to learn what it is to “truly” love Jim. Of course, all of these years I have "loved" him, but I think it has taken the 11 years we've known each other for the "love" I thought I had toward him to be exhausted. Now it's time for me to really learn what it is to love.
There are four different types of love consented to; consequently the Greek knew of these types of love centuries ago and devised their own terminology, which we still see fit to use as a description. They are as follows:
Phileo – having tender affection toward another, phileo love is the “something” that draws you to another person
Storge – is the physical show of affection that results from affection felt through phileo, this includes hugs, kisses, and encouraging pats.
Eros – sexual desire or lust
Agape – this love enables us to love another for who they were created to be despite their faults and shortcomings.
I don’t believe many marriages venture into agape love, which is why most fail. I think there comes a turning point in each union where phileo, storge, and eros eventually all fall short. By the time this point comes both, individuals have exhausted their supplies of “love” and they begin to realize their needs are not being met. No matter how hard they try to muster “love” for their partner they begin to see the union as falling short of their expectations. At this place, depending the couples’ philosophy of marriage, they may try for varying periods of time to sustain the relationship based on duty, and hope. Some may spend countless hours attempting applying different angles of the existing “love” to make it work. Most of the time, falling prey to the selfish nature of humanity, they quit, although occasionally, (less so now then in the past) out of shear determination they exist the rest of their lives living out a “loveless” marriage. Herein lies my dilemma: unwilling as I am to muster the strength for living a loveless marriage, I am equally unwilling to part. What then? If I draw upon the wisdom of those I watched live years of a happy marriage, I must choose to move beyond the “love” that I have come to understand to a “more excellent way”.

Here is a poem written by the great-grandfather of our son Jamison. It comforting to consider that one day the divisions in our family that came about without the consenting will of all those involved will become of no importance.
Thank you for the poem.

I See The Truth

The grass was soft,
The evening warm,
There restful I did lie.
I asked God to speak to me.
He sent a firefly.

The air was still. There on the hill.
Great clouds in massive form.
I asked God to speak to me.
He sent a thunderstorm.

In sunshine or in darkness,
When life was good or bad,
There were times when I knew,
He was all I had.

One day I'll stand at Heaven's door.
There the Truth I'll see.
Jesus, With open arms
He waits to welcome me.

M. Tyacke

Teach me of thy grace
O, Father
that I might know
thy Truth
and of thy love that I
might not wander
but stay within thy fold

You care not that I'm
dressed in filth
that my face is covered in dirt
the tracks of tears that flow
You tenderly erase

Gather me unto Yourself
Bury me into Your chest
Whisper
everything will be alright
Rest my child rest

For My grace does not see
your worn and dirty clothes
nor does the smell
of refuse turn Me
from the heart of the child
I Created

Though you choose to wander
and eat from garbage pits
live in decay and squander
all I have given unto you
I will not to turn My
heart from you

I know your condition
I see the lies you have been told
and though you choose them above
My Word
I will not let go of you

There is nothing you can do
to change My love
I only see the heart of the
child that came begging to My throne
~ the rest is white as snow ~

At the moment you received My Name;
I caused old things to pass away,
and behold, I have made all things new

Because of what I gave
You are accepted
no work is required
"It is finished."

"As the branch cannot bear fruit of
itself, except it abide in the vine;
no more can you, except if you
abide in Me."
You cannot earn my love

I am the source of all righteousness
which flows from Me through you
The more you abide
the more fruit you will bear

"Come unto Me all who are weary
and heavy laden, and I will give you rest
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and You will find rest for your soul
For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light."

So, my husband just called me to ask if it was okay to feed the kids hotdogs for lunch. In fact, what he said was "I'm just seeking your approval for the feeding the kids hotdogs for lunch". Alrighty...we've got a problem here. I'm not sure if I am the one who is completely responsible for creating this dysfunctional mess or if it's an equal toss-up.
I've known for years that I'm a control freak. Give me any chance to access a situation, and out of fear of the unknown, my knee-jerk reaction is to take over and oversee everything down to the most minute detail. Having gone the full round of trying to control my husband for 12 years, we now have dilemma. I am the controller, and he is for the most part happily controlled. It is my gut reaction to clean the house (for fear it won't be done as I like it), cook the meals (for fear it won't taste as I like it), manage the checkbook (for fear bills will be late), discipline the kids (for fear he will over discipline), and apparently now manage what the children eat. What a freakin' mess, we've made.
I have this need to control everything in my life and frankly I'm sick of it, although I must not be sick enough of it because I continue to do it. It makes me exhausted and teaches people around me how to do nothing, except to do what I say, when I say to do it and do it the exact way I want it or suffer the consquences of my fit throwing and emotional tantrums. My DH had been controlled by his mother up to the point he met me and since she had conveniently been taking care of his every need all his life and never taught him to think for himself, he fit right in with me. Even though I want to change I find it a daunting task as I receive little opposition from him to my controlling efforts.
I had thought that this "controlling" was mostly an outward working of my internal fear as instanced by the above outward actions. Yet, I constantly struggle with a part of me that has a constant desire to "change myself". That sounds great, except that I think my motivation for changing myself is STILL to control the situation. I am an extremely introspective person to the point that I tend to become self absorbed. This has increased in recent years so much so that I've recently dealt with bouts of insominia because of it. This morning I came upon the realization that some of the time I spend obsessing about how I can change myself to become attain perfection is still just a method of trying to control my life. It just happens to be attempting to do so through the backdoor instead of the more noticeable attempts to control my home/husband/kids/. The cause of both routes is that I don't trust my Father to look out for my best interest, I'm paralyzed by fear of the unknown and what "may" happen. My drive to control is driving me out of control. My only hope is that the true Driver of my life will reveal to me more and more the reckless raging fury that is His Love. I have become convinced that the Power of God is the Love of God. We are all driven by the need to be loved. It is the chiefiest among our innate needs and it propels us to change.

Where is the power and freedom that are to exemplify the Christ follower? I have asked this question for a couple years now, and the below is one aspect that I have come to believe as truth:
"True obedience to God is not gritting our teeth and "doing the right thing"; it is cooperating with the breaking forth of Christ's life from within." The desire to obey has been placed within us by Him from the moment of coversion, we are no longer the same. "Old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new." God says of those who will take Christ as their rescuer "I will put My law in their minds...and I will be their God...I will forgive their iniquity"; I will cleanse you...I will give you a new heart...I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes." Notice that the effort is of God, these things are already done from the moment of belief.

"Within every believer, the desire to do the will of God is the gift of God." Dwight Edwards

Do you ever wonder why people post anonymously? I do. Usually the person who posts anonymously wants to be found out and I think there is at least some wanting on their side to remain obscure yet at the same moment to be known, for if the person who wanted to remain anonymous really wanted to do so, they wouldn't comment at all, rather than comment and label it as done by an unknown person. In any case, I can't really say that I haven't wanted to remain anonymous most of my life regarding comments I've thought and said. Although, instead of making comments and labeling them anonymous, I mostly just talked about people behind their backs, which is really the same thing. Don't you think?

"We were saved to glorify God. Realizing that one truth is the heart of the reformation that the modern chruch must experience. And our salvation provides us with all the resources we need to pull it off. That realization and learning how to draw on those resources will begin the revival. Our lives can actually be all about God and not about us." Larry Crabb

Manipulation according to Merriam-Webster dictionary has the following definition:
"to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage"

I recently left a friendship that I felt was based on a lot of manipulation. I saw this book http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/080661711X/ref=ase_bookbookandbook/102-1414783-4903367?v=glance&s=books, and it looks like a good read. Has anyone read it?

There are three types of manipulators:
The manipulator who needs to be needed.
The manipulator who wants to take charge.
The manipulator who wants to be pitied and manipulates by appearing weak.

There is no place in a true friendship for manipulation.

If you think you could be guilty of manipulation or feel a friend is manipulating you, ask yourself a few questions:

Do we always go to the place my friend prefers or always go to the places I prefer?

Does my friend use humor to put me down or do I do likewise?

Does my friend seem to enjoy correcting factual errors in conversations? Do I?

Do I always seem to seem weak or "poor me" to a friend or does my friend do this to me?

Do I need my friend enough to be the clutching type or does she/he seem to be clutching at me?

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work and this song came on. I've heard the song several times and I like it a lot but today I realized that it reminds me of my sister. I'm the oldest of 7 children. When one of my sisters was 20, she was high on cocaine and died from an overdose of perscription antidepressents. It has been three years since her death and I still cry frequently about it. She had been with the same boyfriend for several years, he was close to our family, and had a very hard time with her death. When I really listened to this songs lyrics this morning I thought of him.

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me

3 Doors Down

It is so easy to get sidetracked from the fact that this is not my home, that I am just a sojourner and traveler here for only a short time. If I had been able to keep my eye on that morsel of truth, the past couple of weeks would have seemed much less emotionally insurmountable.

So, I'm supposed to be writing something for this Inklings group (writing club), I'm part of. Thought it would be a great idea when I started but now I'm finding I have about as much free time as can be contained in a thimble. Therefore, I haven't got anything to submit at the upcoming meeting, which by the way, is only the second one. Along those same lines was my idea for this blog...to really use it for developing my writing. Things have changed I've decided that since it had been taking me about four or five hours to get a posting out in the past (I normally do them while I'm at work and since I take about 65 incoming phone calls in 7 hours, it takes tons of time to keep my thought train on the track), I've decided to just use the blog to ramble on, and on, and on, and on.... in my more usual manner. If it bothers you and you'd rather see me write with some ascertainable process, go see someone else's blog. If you're interested in my thoughts as they come to mind then by all means read on, friend.

Click on the below and enter your birthdate:

http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

Gosh...I think I've written more poetry in the last couple weeks than I have in my entire life...here's another short one:

Night falls deep around me
and like a blanket
I'm wrapped within
Bits of truth like stars
pierce the close-knit web of lies

Deception

Anger moves around me
Bitterness implodes my cells
What once was
Now cannot be

Deception's such a pretty thing

Sighing for the sadness
But moving on ahead
There cannot be any more
than there ever was

Deception's such a pretty thing

Where love and hate colide
Confusion fuels the fire
What should be
is not what is

Deception's such a pretty thing

Daun

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
From this fault within

Let me focus on myself
Worry not about whose blame
Show me all the ugliness
I’ve hidden deep inside

I’m ready to confess
Make me new within Your sight
Cause the consequence of actions
To stare me in the face

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
Let me not depart
Till I see all I’ve disgraced
Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me

Separate the truth from lies
Cause me not to turn
Teach me to see myself
And from this fault to run

Let me not conceal my sin
In the pain of others faults
And hide out there within
To justify my assaults

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
From this fault within

I fear I've been quite dramatic lately ;-). When you grow up in a life of endless excitement and life vs. death circumstances, it’s easy for me to perpetuate the current state of affairs to an importance they don’t merit. Some crazy part of myself thrives in chaos and I subconsciously entangled myself in them more than need be, not to help those in the situation but to excite myself. It’s easy to take situations and claim them as my own.

Lately with my drama-congested life, song lyrics are jumping out at me. They are so pertinent to the issues at hand it seems they were composed expressly for me to hear in that one predestine moment in time. Shooting a comforting ping, the lyrics penetrate the confusion of my mind and pierce right to the situation at hand. The words are outside of my inner chaos and provide a clear beacon to the heart of the issue while my mind is clouded with endless thoughts.

This song is seems strangly parallel to my spiritual journey right now.

TRYING

Could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
Just a little while
to see if you're human after all

Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out

Well let me be the first to say that I
don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna' pretend like I do

just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this- art form someday

If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Will you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I- haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be

And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to You, and

trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
Oh I'm trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way

Lifehouse

Haven't been able to write lately, so much mulling through my head. I'm exhausted, and my mind is fatiguing of the constant drip, drip, drip from the drain of thought generation. The questions are never ending and the possible solutions endless. Fight or flight is setting in and vanishing for a couple months is becoming an increasingly justifiable solution. Stability is a falsity, the moment you begin to entertain the idea that life has attained a certain level of it chaos begins. My neck is aching, yet I’m not ready to visit those who could relieve the pain. I’ve got four separate yet intertwined problems swirling in my brain. One situation begs an apology, another is dying for truth to told, the third requires protection, and the fourth, well, I haven’t an idea in hell what would fix that. What shall I start with?

ICE
The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten

Hours pass, days pass time stands still
light gets dark & darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden...

I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I'd give in
but I know you like the snow

tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain
but oh, your soul is anchored

The only comfort is the moving of the river
you enter into me a lie upon your lips
offer what you can I'll take all that I can get:
only a fool's here...

I don't like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by
well hey fool, that's your deception

Your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpents tale has come undone
you have no strength to squander.

The only comfort is the moving of the river
you enter into me a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here...

Sarah McLachlan

It's a good thing I didn't fully understand how much life I was missing by carrying around an extra 108 lbs. If I could have fully perceived the bondage I was in I honestly think I would have been immobilized by desperation.
It has been 6 months since I have stopped losing and with each pound that slipped away, I lost the perception of who I thought I was. Each passing ounce held a constant awareness of what others wanted me to be, and an unconscious need accommodate whomever I was involved with. Each gram contained part of who I thought I was, while in reality, that which I am was arising from the deficit.
After enslaving myself for so long, I believed I was who others saw. I had no idea who Daun was, and only a vague understanding of who she wanted to be. That knowledge has now been set in motion, my likes and dislikes are arising out of the mist of conformation. I am becoming aware of what inspires me, what dissuades me, and conscious of truly loving. Loving that hurts.