Have you ever wanted to give away selfless love, wanted desperately so much so that you were consumed with trying to give it away. I was. Though I tried to love my husband and those I around me, it would never come. Though I begged it of myself, groveled at the feet of God and ached for some life to come out of myself, it simply would never materialize. Although at times I would acheive bits and pieces of selflessness by sheer will and discipline, it was short-lived and soon I would be again filled with bitterness and anger, with lack of control over who it spilled upon. Anger and bitterness filled me of which I did not know the source. Unable to dissect what was wrong, and drastically inadequate to "fix" it, I was without hope, wandering, depressed and torturing myself and my family. I would stare at my "inner" reflection for hours, which amounted to days, which filled months and years. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do what I am supposed to do? Why can't I do what I want to do? I looked and looked and looked within myself but I could never find what I was looking for. Finding no hope within myself I nearly began to believe there was no hope, that there was no answer, that this was it. Life hurts Daun, deal with it. Although, the more I began to dwell on that method of thinking the more desperate and suicidal I became. If there is no hope...I thought, there is no reason for life. Without hope, people die. No, this cannot be it either, and I once again returned to the desperate searching of life somewhere within myself. Though I had been well taught and disciplined as a child and knew what was "the right thing" to do, even though I was as an adult able to acheive great amounts of success through self-control in other areas of my life. In this, I was completely and utterly broken, unable to conjure even a spark of the ability to selflessly love anyone. Finally desperate after 10 years of marriage and looking for love in all the wrong places, after 15 years of introspective combing through all I knew of myself, I was still unable find what I was looking for. Then finally in the midst of my despair when I had reached the end of myself, when I understood that I was a dead man, Love found me.

My Father who is in heaven, holy is Your Name.
Your kingdom come in my life, in my home, in my country, in my world.
May Your will be done in these areas exactly as it is in heaven.
Give me today only what I need for today.
Forgive me my wrongs equal to how I have forgiven those who have wronged me.
Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.
Because it is Your kingdom, Your glory, and Your power that stand forever and ever.
Amen

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel land and sea to win one proselyte, and when he is won, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves." This is the "witnessing" experience I have had. This is why I have had so much trouble sharing my faith. I wondered, and pondered "how can I impose such death on another human being". I had no life, I was searching for life within myself, and was bitterly disapointed to find that it was not there. I searched and combed the fine details of my thoughts, actions, desires to find some spark of life, but I found none. No matter how I tried, cried, wished and prayed with all sincerity that I would live, it was not found in me. Then I was told to go and share with the world, make disciples of all men. And I thought, what in hell would make anyone want what I have? I have nothing. I strive day after day to "do what is right" and yet I can never attain it. I was and still am in myself a blubbering, fearful, controlling mess. But now, I see. Grace is what I have. Through Christ I have life, and laying aside my "old man" the me that is dead, the me that is hid in Him is revealed. Behold all things have been made new. This is who I am, I am a new creation. NOW that is something to share, and it has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with me. It is Christ alone. There is no other gospel, He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, no man comes to the Father any other way.

Perfection at all costs was my mantra. Perfection of myself, perfection of others, perfection of the method of perfecting myself. You notice the main subject here is "myself". When my mind is stayed upon the truth (Galations 2:19-20). There's so much less traffic in my head (which = peace) - only one repeating thought. "I am dead, Christ lives in me - I am dead, Christ lives in me - I am dead, Christ lives in me." There is then no Daun left, and what does come by effort in raising myself is just that, me trying to prop myself up again. Because I am dead and Christ lives in me, this means my desires, my wants, my selfish driving force is also dead. I am no longer my own, the desires, wants and power of Christ live in me. I am not a slave to myself anymore, I have been freed and raised with Christ and His will is completed in and through me.
What a miracle, the freedom that was bought with the precious blood of the willing Lamb of God.
"I have come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly." For Jesus to have come so that "we may have life" it is understood that we must have been dead. He did not say I have come to add more life to your life, He said "I have come so you may live." Outside of Jesus Christ, there is no life. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.

Galations 2:19-20
I have been crucified with Christ; and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

I have spent so much time staring at my reflection, wishing for perfection, somehow thinking that I would attain it. This extended even more outside of myself by expecting that others should strive to attain perfection to the law as well. My bent was that if I beat myself mentally, hoping, confessing, repenting enough I would be able to raise some "life" out of myself. Wishing and hoping and proping myself up thinking that I would "live" again. That somehow somewhere in the death of myself was also in myself some tiny spark of life, that if cultivated would someday with enough discipline ingite into the fire God has set as the law. This has been a futile, depressing, agonizing and hopeless endeavor. Why is it so difficult to understand and grasp grace? To understand that I am dead. I no longer live. "For to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find". Finally; freedom! Grace though Christ Jesus is the only thing that can turn myself away from my reflection. I can let go of Daun, Daun, Daun as it is not in my hoping, fighting and wishing and self discipline that I will turn into a reflection of Jesus. The only answer for me IS Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, He is the only life I have. It is He in me that lives, not I that live.
This solves the problem I've been having with sharing my faith with others. How can someone who is dead share anything with anyone. I can't offer something I don't have. I can't offer life to someone if I don't even grasp it myself. Even then it's not about me "sharing my faith". It's that Christ is living in me, He is my life. If He is my life, how can I but share who I am?