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Gosh...I think I've written more poetry in the last couple weeks than I have in my entire life...here's another short one:

Night falls deep around me
and like a blanket
I'm wrapped within
Bits of truth like stars
pierce the close-knit web of lies

Deception

Anger moves around me
Bitterness implodes my cells
What once was
Now cannot be

Deception's such a pretty thing

Sighing for the sadness
But moving on ahead
There cannot be any more
than there ever was

Deception's such a pretty thing

Where love and hate colide
Confusion fuels the fire
What should be
is not what is

Deception's such a pretty thing

Daun

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
From this fault within

Let me focus on myself
Worry not about whose blame
Show me all the ugliness
I’ve hidden deep inside

I’m ready to confess
Make me new within Your sight
Cause the consequence of actions
To stare me in the face

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
Let me not depart
Till I see all I’ve disgraced
Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me

Separate the truth from lies
Cause me not to turn
Teach me to see myself
And from this fault to run

Let me not conceal my sin
In the pain of others faults
And hide out there within
To justify my assaults

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
From this fault within

I fear I've been quite dramatic lately ;-). When you grow up in a life of endless excitement and life vs. death circumstances, it’s easy for me to perpetuate the current state of affairs to an importance they don’t merit. Some crazy part of myself thrives in chaos and I subconsciously entangled myself in them more than need be, not to help those in the situation but to excite myself. It’s easy to take situations and claim them as my own.

Lately with my drama-congested life, song lyrics are jumping out at me. They are so pertinent to the issues at hand it seems they were composed expressly for me to hear in that one predestine moment in time. Shooting a comforting ping, the lyrics penetrate the confusion of my mind and pierce right to the situation at hand. The words are outside of my inner chaos and provide a clear beacon to the heart of the issue while my mind is clouded with endless thoughts.

This song is seems strangly parallel to my spiritual journey right now.

TRYING

Could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
Just a little while
to see if you're human after all

Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out

Well let me be the first to say that I
don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna' pretend like I do

just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this- art form someday

If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Will you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I- haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be

And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to You, and

trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
Oh I'm trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way

Lifehouse

Haven't been able to write lately, so much mulling through my head. I'm exhausted, and my mind is fatiguing of the constant drip, drip, drip from the drain of thought generation. The questions are never ending and the possible solutions endless. Fight or flight is setting in and vanishing for a couple months is becoming an increasingly justifiable solution. Stability is a falsity, the moment you begin to entertain the idea that life has attained a certain level of it chaos begins. My neck is aching, yet I’m not ready to visit those who could relieve the pain. I’ve got four separate yet intertwined problems swirling in my brain. One situation begs an apology, another is dying for truth to told, the third requires protection, and the fourth, well, I haven’t an idea in hell what would fix that. What shall I start with?

ICE
The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten

Hours pass, days pass time stands still
light gets dark & darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden...

I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I'd give in
but I know you like the snow

tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain
but oh, your soul is anchored

The only comfort is the moving of the river
you enter into me a lie upon your lips
offer what you can I'll take all that I can get:
only a fool's here...

I don't like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by
well hey fool, that's your deception

Your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpents tale has come undone
you have no strength to squander.

The only comfort is the moving of the river
you enter into me a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here...

Sarah McLachlan

It's a good thing I didn't fully understand how much life I was missing by carrying around an extra 108 lbs. If I could have fully perceived the bondage I was in I honestly think I would have been immobilized by desperation.
It has been 6 months since I have stopped losing and with each pound that slipped away, I lost the perception of who I thought I was. Each passing ounce held a constant awareness of what others wanted me to be, and an unconscious need accommodate whomever I was involved with. Each gram contained part of who I thought I was, while in reality, that which I am was arising from the deficit.
After enslaving myself for so long, I believed I was who others saw. I had no idea who Daun was, and only a vague understanding of who she wanted to be. That knowledge has now been set in motion, my likes and dislikes are arising out of the mist of conformation. I am becoming aware of what inspires me, what dissuades me, and conscious of truly loving. Loving that hurts.