So, my husband just called me to ask if it was okay to feed the kids hotdogs for lunch. In fact, what he said was "I'm just seeking your approval for the feeding the kids hotdogs for lunch". Alrighty...we've got a problem here. I'm not sure if I am the one who is completely responsible for creating this dysfunctional mess or if it's an equal toss-up.
I've known for years that I'm a control freak. Give me any chance to access a situation, and out of fear of the unknown, my knee-jerk reaction is to take over and oversee everything down to the most minute detail. Having gone the full round of trying to control my husband for 12 years, we now have dilemma. I am the controller, and he is for the most part happily controlled. It is my gut reaction to clean the house (for fear it won't be done as I like it), cook the meals (for fear it won't taste as I like it), manage the checkbook (for fear bills will be late), discipline the kids (for fear he will over discipline), and apparently now manage what the children eat. What a freakin' mess, we've made.
I have this need to control everything in my life and frankly I'm sick of it, although I must not be sick enough of it because I continue to do it. It makes me exhausted and teaches people around me how to do nothing, except to do what I say, when I say to do it and do it the exact way I want it or suffer the consquences of my fit throwing and emotional tantrums. My DH had been controlled by his mother up to the point he met me and since she had conveniently been taking care of his every need all his life and never taught him to think for himself, he fit right in with me. Even though I want to change I find it a daunting task as I receive little opposition from him to my controlling efforts.
I had thought that this "controlling" was mostly an outward working of my internal fear as instanced by the above outward actions. Yet, I constantly struggle with a part of me that has a constant desire to "change myself". That sounds great, except that I think my motivation for changing myself is STILL to control the situation. I am an extremely introspective person to the point that I tend to become self absorbed. This has increased in recent years so much so that I've recently dealt with bouts of insominia because of it. This morning I came upon the realization that some of the time I spend obsessing about how I can change myself to become attain perfection is still just a method of trying to control my life. It just happens to be attempting to do so through the backdoor instead of the more noticeable attempts to control my home/husband/kids/. The cause of both routes is that I don't trust my Father to look out for my best interest, I'm paralyzed by fear of the unknown and what "may" happen. My drive to control is driving me out of control. My only hope is that the true Driver of my life will reveal to me more and more the reckless raging fury that is His Love. I have become convinced that the Power of God is the Love of God. We are all driven by the need to be loved. It is the chiefiest among our innate needs and it propels us to change.

Where is the power and freedom that are to exemplify the Christ follower? I have asked this question for a couple years now, and the below is one aspect that I have come to believe as truth:
"True obedience to God is not gritting our teeth and "doing the right thing"; it is cooperating with the breaking forth of Christ's life from within." The desire to obey has been placed within us by Him from the moment of coversion, we are no longer the same. "Old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new." God says of those who will take Christ as their rescuer "I will put My law in their minds...and I will be their God...I will forgive their iniquity"; I will cleanse you...I will give you a new heart...I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes." Notice that the effort is of God, these things are already done from the moment of belief.

"Within every believer, the desire to do the will of God is the gift of God." Dwight Edwards

Do you ever wonder why people post anonymously? I do. Usually the person who posts anonymously wants to be found out and I think there is at least some wanting on their side to remain obscure yet at the same moment to be known, for if the person who wanted to remain anonymous really wanted to do so, they wouldn't comment at all, rather than comment and label it as done by an unknown person. In any case, I can't really say that I haven't wanted to remain anonymous most of my life regarding comments I've thought and said. Although, instead of making comments and labeling them anonymous, I mostly just talked about people behind their backs, which is really the same thing. Don't you think?

"We were saved to glorify God. Realizing that one truth is the heart of the reformation that the modern chruch must experience. And our salvation provides us with all the resources we need to pull it off. That realization and learning how to draw on those resources will begin the revival. Our lives can actually be all about God and not about us." Larry Crabb

Manipulation according to Merriam-Webster dictionary has the following definition:
"to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage"

I recently left a friendship that I felt was based on a lot of manipulation. I saw this book http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/080661711X/ref=ase_bookbookandbook/102-1414783-4903367?v=glance&s=books, and it looks like a good read. Has anyone read it?

There are three types of manipulators:
The manipulator who needs to be needed.
The manipulator who wants to take charge.
The manipulator who wants to be pitied and manipulates by appearing weak.

There is no place in a true friendship for manipulation.

If you think you could be guilty of manipulation or feel a friend is manipulating you, ask yourself a few questions:

Do we always go to the place my friend prefers or always go to the places I prefer?

Does my friend use humor to put me down or do I do likewise?

Does my friend seem to enjoy correcting factual errors in conversations? Do I?

Do I always seem to seem weak or "poor me" to a friend or does my friend do this to me?

Do I need my friend enough to be the clutching type or does she/he seem to be clutching at me?

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work and this song came on. I've heard the song several times and I like it a lot but today I realized that it reminds me of my sister. I'm the oldest of 7 children. When one of my sisters was 20, she was high on cocaine and died from an overdose of perscription antidepressents. It has been three years since her death and I still cry frequently about it. She had been with the same boyfriend for several years, he was close to our family, and had a very hard time with her death. When I really listened to this songs lyrics this morning I thought of him.

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me

3 Doors Down

It is so easy to get sidetracked from the fact that this is not my home, that I am just a sojourner and traveler here for only a short time. If I had been able to keep my eye on that morsel of truth, the past couple of weeks would have seemed much less emotionally insurmountable.

So, I'm supposed to be writing something for this Inklings group (writing club), I'm part of. Thought it would be a great idea when I started but now I'm finding I have about as much free time as can be contained in a thimble. Therefore, I haven't got anything to submit at the upcoming meeting, which by the way, is only the second one. Along those same lines was my idea for this blog...to really use it for developing my writing. Things have changed I've decided that since it had been taking me about four or five hours to get a posting out in the past (I normally do them while I'm at work and since I take about 65 incoming phone calls in 7 hours, it takes tons of time to keep my thought train on the track), I've decided to just use the blog to ramble on, and on, and on, and on.... in my more usual manner. If it bothers you and you'd rather see me write with some ascertainable process, go see someone else's blog. If you're interested in my thoughts as they come to mind then by all means read on, friend.

Click on the below and enter your birthdate:

http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

Gosh...I think I've written more poetry in the last couple weeks than I have in my entire life...here's another short one:

Night falls deep around me
and like a blanket
I'm wrapped within
Bits of truth like stars
pierce the close-knit web of lies

Deception

Anger moves around me
Bitterness implodes my cells
What once was
Now cannot be

Deception's such a pretty thing

Sighing for the sadness
But moving on ahead
There cannot be any more
than there ever was

Deception's such a pretty thing

Where love and hate colide
Confusion fuels the fire
What should be
is not what is

Deception's such a pretty thing

Daun

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
From this fault within

Let me focus on myself
Worry not about whose blame
Show me all the ugliness
I’ve hidden deep inside

I’m ready to confess
Make me new within Your sight
Cause the consequence of actions
To stare me in the face

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
Let me not depart
Till I see all I’ve disgraced
Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me

Separate the truth from lies
Cause me not to turn
Teach me to see myself
And from this fault to run

Let me not conceal my sin
In the pain of others faults
And hide out there within
To justify my assaults

Undo me
Untie me
Unbind me
From this fault within

I fear I've been quite dramatic lately ;-). When you grow up in a life of endless excitement and life vs. death circumstances, it’s easy for me to perpetuate the current state of affairs to an importance they don’t merit. Some crazy part of myself thrives in chaos and I subconsciously entangled myself in them more than need be, not to help those in the situation but to excite myself. It’s easy to take situations and claim them as my own.

Lately with my drama-congested life, song lyrics are jumping out at me. They are so pertinent to the issues at hand it seems they were composed expressly for me to hear in that one predestine moment in time. Shooting a comforting ping, the lyrics penetrate the confusion of my mind and pierce right to the situation at hand. The words are outside of my inner chaos and provide a clear beacon to the heart of the issue while my mind is clouded with endless thoughts.

This song is seems strangly parallel to my spiritual journey right now.

TRYING

Could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
Just a little while
to see if you're human after all

Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out

Well let me be the first to say that I
don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna' pretend like I do

just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this- art form someday

If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Will you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I- haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be

And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to You, and

trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
Oh I'm trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way

Lifehouse

Haven't been able to write lately, so much mulling through my head. I'm exhausted, and my mind is fatiguing of the constant drip, drip, drip from the drain of thought generation. The questions are never ending and the possible solutions endless. Fight or flight is setting in and vanishing for a couple months is becoming an increasingly justifiable solution. Stability is a falsity, the moment you begin to entertain the idea that life has attained a certain level of it chaos begins. My neck is aching, yet I’m not ready to visit those who could relieve the pain. I’ve got four separate yet intertwined problems swirling in my brain. One situation begs an apology, another is dying for truth to told, the third requires protection, and the fourth, well, I haven’t an idea in hell what would fix that. What shall I start with?

ICE
The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten

Hours pass, days pass time stands still
light gets dark & darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden...

I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I'd give in
but I know you like the snow

tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain
but oh, your soul is anchored

The only comfort is the moving of the river
you enter into me a lie upon your lips
offer what you can I'll take all that I can get:
only a fool's here...

I don't like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by
well hey fool, that's your deception

Your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpents tale has come undone
you have no strength to squander.

The only comfort is the moving of the river
you enter into me a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here...

Sarah McLachlan

It's a good thing I didn't fully understand how much life I was missing by carrying around an extra 108 lbs. If I could have fully perceived the bondage I was in I honestly think I would have been immobilized by desperation.
It has been 6 months since I have stopped losing and with each pound that slipped away, I lost the perception of who I thought I was. Each passing ounce held a constant awareness of what others wanted me to be, and an unconscious need accommodate whomever I was involved with. Each gram contained part of who I thought I was, while in reality, that which I am was arising from the deficit.
After enslaving myself for so long, I believed I was who others saw. I had no idea who Daun was, and only a vague understanding of who she wanted to be. That knowledge has now been set in motion, my likes and dislikes are arising out of the mist of conformation. I am becoming aware of what inspires me, what dissuades me, and conscious of truly loving. Loving that hurts.