Have you ever wanted to give away selfless love, wanted desperately so much so that you were consumed with trying to give it away. I was. Though I tried to love my husband and those I around me, it would never come. Though I begged it of myself, groveled at the feet of God and ached for some life to come out of myself, it simply would never materialize. Although at times I would acheive bits and pieces of selflessness by sheer will and discipline, it was short-lived and soon I would be again filled with bitterness and anger, with lack of control over who it spilled upon. Anger and bitterness filled me of which I did not know the source. Unable to dissect what was wrong, and drastically inadequate to "fix" it, I was without hope, wandering, depressed and torturing myself and my family. I would stare at my "inner" reflection for hours, which amounted to days, which filled months and years. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do what I am supposed to do? Why can't I do what I want to do? I looked and looked and looked within myself but I could never find what I was looking for. Finding no hope within myself I nearly began to believe there was no hope, that there was no answer, that this was it. Life hurts Daun, deal with it. Although, the more I began to dwell on that method of thinking the more desperate and suicidal I became. If there is no hope...I thought, there is no reason for life. Without hope, people die. No, this cannot be it either, and I once again returned to the desperate searching of life somewhere within myself. Though I had been well taught and disciplined as a child and knew what was "the right thing" to do, even though I was as an adult able to acheive great amounts of success through self-control in other areas of my life. In this, I was completely and utterly broken, unable to conjure even a spark of the ability to selflessly love anyone. Finally desperate after 10 years of marriage and looking for love in all the wrong places, after 15 years of introspective combing through all I knew of myself, I was still unable find what I was looking for. Then finally in the midst of my despair when I had reached the end of myself, when I understood that I was a dead man, Love found me.