So, my husband just called me to ask if it was okay to feed the kids hotdogs for lunch. In fact, what he said was "I'm just seeking your approval for the feeding the kids hotdogs for lunch". Alrighty...we've got a problem here. I'm not sure if I am the one who is completely responsible for creating this dysfunctional mess or if it's an equal toss-up.
I've known for years that I'm a control freak. Give me any chance to access a situation, and out of fear of the unknown, my knee-jerk reaction is to take over and oversee everything down to the most minute detail. Having gone the full round of trying to control my husband for 12 years, we now have dilemma. I am the controller, and he is for the most part happily controlled. It is my gut reaction to clean the house (for fear it won't be done as I like it), cook the meals (for fear it won't taste as I like it), manage the checkbook (for fear bills will be late), discipline the kids (for fear he will over discipline), and apparently now manage what the children eat. What a freakin' mess, we've made.
I have this need to control everything in my life and frankly I'm sick of it, although I must not be sick enough of it because I continue to do it. It makes me exhausted and teaches people around me how to do nothing, except to do what I say, when I say to do it and do it the exact way I want it or suffer the consquences of my fit throwing and emotional tantrums. My DH had been controlled by his mother up to the point he met me and since she had conveniently been taking care of his every need all his life and never taught him to think for himself, he fit right in with me. Even though I want to change I find it a daunting task as I receive little opposition from him to my controlling efforts.
I had thought that this "controlling" was mostly an outward working of my internal fear as instanced by the above outward actions. Yet, I constantly struggle with a part of me that has a constant desire to "change myself". That sounds great, except that I think my motivation for changing myself is STILL to control the situation. I am an extremely introspective person to the point that I tend to become self absorbed. This has increased in recent years so much so that I've recently dealt with bouts of insominia because of it. This morning I came upon the realization that some of the time I spend obsessing about how I can change myself to become attain perfection is still just a method of trying to control my life. It just happens to be attempting to do so through the backdoor instead of the more noticeable attempts to control my home/husband/kids/. The cause of both routes is that I don't trust my Father to look out for my best interest, I'm paralyzed by fear of the unknown and what "may" happen. My drive to control is driving me out of control. My only hope is that the true Driver of my life will reveal to me more and more the reckless raging fury that is His Love. I have become convinced that the Power of God is the Love of God. We are all driven by the need to be loved. It is the chiefiest among our innate needs and it propels us to change.