Tuesday, August 30, 2005
We're Here
Well, I'm here, we're here. Whatever that may mean. I find myself being extremely negative these past couple of days, don't know if that's due to the death process and loss of everything in Idaho or not. Maybe just my tendency in general. I can be a little dramatic. Ok A LOT dramatic at times. I feel as though I have lost who I am. No more job, no more house, no more friends. Who am I really? In whom or what does my security lie? Of course, I know the answer is God, but here is where the rubber really meets the road. Does my contentment depend on the circumstances surrounding me, or do I find my joy in the knowledge that I am free? Truly free.
Monday, August 29, 2005
We're Here part two
Well, we're here. Billings, Montana. Some time to myself while the boys are napping. I really don't know what to write, I've been told it would help while adjusting to life over here to write in a journal and since I"ve been meaning to write again why not start now? Got to make sure to have some alone time being home with the kids full time. Jamison is sick with a cold and I'm hoping it's not turning into an ear infection as we don't have any insurance at the moment.
Things spiritually have been good lately, it takes faith to move away from home, leaving Real LIfe was difficult as was leaving Kim & Sarah. I know God will provide more friends for me here. Just settling in I suppose. God really spoke to me during the sermon yesterday, about gossiping abou the "Bride of Christ". It's the same to Jesus when I judge by whispering things about others. It's like saying "Hey, looky here, someone's got a problem!" The smae as if someone had an embarrasing piece of spinach between their teeth and instead of being kind to tell them about it discreetly, I say "Hey EVERYONE!! Look at that!" Gossiping is not loving people, and loving people is what IT is ALL about. I don't want gossip to be part of my life anymore, unfortunately it's been such a big part of my life (not so much with friends but usually what keeps the conversation going between Jim & I). There's no way this thing I can overcome this thing, thank God it has already been overcome by Jesus Christ. I am a new creature and this is not part of the alive part of me. All I have to do is ask and God will make alive in Christ that part of me which is already dead in sin. In fact, He already has done it.
I don't want to be a problem identifier in other peoples lives, I want to be part of the solution, which has been made possible through Christ Jesus. In Him I have been given the ministry of reconciliation. By speaking the truth in love, instead of just being a problem identifier.
Things spiritually have been good lately, it takes faith to move away from home, leaving Real LIfe was difficult as was leaving Kim & Sarah. I know God will provide more friends for me here. Just settling in I suppose. God really spoke to me during the sermon yesterday, about gossiping abou the "Bride of Christ". It's the same to Jesus when I judge by whispering things about others. It's like saying "Hey, looky here, someone's got a problem!" The smae as if someone had an embarrasing piece of spinach between their teeth and instead of being kind to tell them about it discreetly, I say "Hey EVERYONE!! Look at that!" Gossiping is not loving people, and loving people is what IT is ALL about. I don't want gossip to be part of my life anymore, unfortunately it's been such a big part of my life (not so much with friends but usually what keeps the conversation going between Jim & I). There's no way this thing I can overcome this thing, thank God it has already been overcome by Jesus Christ. I am a new creature and this is not part of the alive part of me. All I have to do is ask and God will make alive in Christ that part of me which is already dead in sin. In fact, He already has done it.
I don't want to be a problem identifier in other peoples lives, I want to be part of the solution, which has been made possible through Christ Jesus. In Him I have been given the ministry of reconciliation. By speaking the truth in love, instead of just being a problem identifier.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Fear
I am so afraid of nothing
insecure about who I am
The slightest change in plans
sends my gut into knots
My heart aches as I try
to keep all the world together
in my little glass globe
Where can I find rest?
Whom can I trust?
If the only father I knew
fell and loved himself more than I
How can I again trust my Father?
I want to let go, and in my mind
I know "He careth for me", yet
reconciling my heart and mind
is not within my grasp.
Though I yearn, I once again
have not the power within me
to do that which I wish most to do.
It is Your world Father, Your time,
Your land, Your provision, Your
heart, Your servant, make me into
that which you wish me to be.
Let Your name be glorified amoung
the people, let Your good works be
praised. Make me a vessel.
Remind me that You have
carefully created me as just that
let me remain only a vessel.
Standing still
in the place it was given
waiting to be used at the
the bidding of it's Master.
insecure about who I am
The slightest change in plans
sends my gut into knots
My heart aches as I try
to keep all the world together
in my little glass globe
Where can I find rest?
Whom can I trust?
If the only father I knew
fell and loved himself more than I
How can I again trust my Father?
I want to let go, and in my mind
I know "He careth for me", yet
reconciling my heart and mind
is not within my grasp.
Though I yearn, I once again
have not the power within me
to do that which I wish most to do.
It is Your world Father, Your time,
Your land, Your provision, Your
heart, Your servant, make me into
that which you wish me to be.
Let Your name be glorified amoung
the people, let Your good works be
praised. Make me a vessel.
Remind me that You have
carefully created me as just that
let me remain only a vessel.
Standing still
in the place it was given
waiting to be used at the
the bidding of it's Master.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Mercy
Oh God, you are so good to me
Every day, I breathe another breath of your mercy.
Your kindness toward me is immeasurable
Your grace overtakes my sin
In you I am alive and complete.
Your grace abounds to me.
Every day, I breathe another breath of your mercy.
Your kindness toward me is immeasurable
Your grace overtakes my sin
In you I am alive and complete.
Your grace abounds to me.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Grace is terrifying...
To know that I have absolutely nothing to do with my own salvation evokes a panic in me I find both ecstatically hopeful and dangerously peril at the same time. To escape this feeling of terror my inate desire is to immediately return to the boundaries and knowable do's and don'ts of the law. Grace knows no boundaries, it is complete freedom. The limits of grace are unknowable and I find that irresistably terrifying. Having barely glimpsed a moment grace, I barely understand and revel in it before I once again find myself back under the yoke of morality.
So drawn to the law am I, that I even begin to try to subject my understanding of grace itself to the law by thinking that I "should" understand it better. Beyond that thought, pride drives me to make an the understanding of grace into a "work" on my part. "Oh wretched man that I am, who will save me from this body of death? Thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord!."
To know that I have absolutely nothing to do with my own salvation evokes a panic in me I find both ecstatically hopeful and dangerously peril at the same time. To escape this feeling of terror my inate desire is to immediately return to the boundaries and knowable do's and don'ts of the law. Grace knows no boundaries, it is complete freedom. The limits of grace are unknowable and I find that irresistably terrifying. Having barely glimpsed a moment grace, I barely understand and revel in it before I once again find myself back under the yoke of morality.
So drawn to the law am I, that I even begin to try to subject my understanding of grace itself to the law by thinking that I "should" understand it better. Beyond that thought, pride drives me to make an the understanding of grace into a "work" on my part. "Oh wretched man that I am, who will save me from this body of death? Thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord!."
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Is it so much to want to rest in You?
Where am I, where am I going, is this the path You've taken me on?
To trust without tangible reason?
To leave everything behind?
All my hopes, all my dreams,
all of me.
To become one with You. The Lover of my soul.
To steal away with You for moments existing
just to stare into Your eyes
to look at Your face and know that I am loved?
I am unlovely, stained and broken,
how is it that You consider me with such favor.
You who lift my downcast eyes to look into Yours?
I am undone
Your grace has captured me.
I want nothing of me to remain
except that which is You
Make it so my Lord.
Where am I, where am I going, is this the path You've taken me on?
To trust without tangible reason?
To leave everything behind?
All my hopes, all my dreams,
all of me.
To become one with You. The Lover of my soul.
To steal away with You for moments existing
just to stare into Your eyes
to look at Your face and know that I am loved?
I am unlovely, stained and broken,
how is it that You consider me with such favor.
You who lift my downcast eyes to look into Yours?
I am undone
Your grace has captured me.
I want nothing of me to remain
except that which is You
Make it so my Lord.
Which way is up, which way is down
Lost somewhere in the middle
of this growing cycle
The Son draws me up, to see
an opaque image of Him
through the morning haze
I exist in the mist of His grace
He enlightens every particle
of light that is
dispersed through the air
Gasping for breath I grasp and
find it cannot be contained
It is enough that I am
created and that drops of
dew formed by His condensation
fall on me
Lost somewhere in the middle
of this growing cycle
The Son draws me up, to see
an opaque image of Him
through the morning haze
I exist in the mist of His grace
He enlightens every particle
of light that is
dispersed through the air
Gasping for breath I grasp and
find it cannot be contained
It is enough that I am
created and that drops of
dew formed by His condensation
fall on me
